Romantic Suspense

Today's critique is short and sweet. First, because it's a prologue. Second, because it's well written and I didn't have many comments to make.

PERFECT WITNESS
Tammy Bowers

Prologue

Amanda Rodderick’s bottom lip quivered as she tightened her grip on the phone. I can’t believe this is happening. She glanced around the small terminal and squinted at the busy shadow-people scurrying past the sun-streaked windows. [good description] Her gaze rested on her daughter and Ashley, coloring together in the chairs across the walkway.

Amanda lowered her voice. “I know, I don’t believe in love at first sight. But, Lacey, I not only kissed him the first day we met, I crawled in his lap [That image is a bit odd—makes me think of a little girl.] and gave him my heart.” She fought the lump forming in her throat as she waited for her sister to speak.

“What’s his name?”

“Michael Houston. FBI Special Agent Michael Houston.” Her hand trembled as she raised it to her hair. [Probably not necessary with the sentence that follows.] On instinct, she spread her fingers wide and ran them through her tangled curls—a soothing motion which usually calmed her. It didn’t work.

“And you ran away with him the next day?”

“I didn’t run, I was forced. I had no choice. It was a matter of life and death.” [Maybe skip “I was forced.” Makes it sound like he abducted her. But it also hints at a complicated reason for Amanda being where she is. If it was purposeful, leave it.] Amanda squeezed her eyes shut and tried to forget the black smoke, shattered glass, and hideous smell.

“Life and death? You’ve got to be kidding me. He told you that?”

“Yes.”

“And you believed him?”

“Yes.” Oh, Lord, what have I done?

“Where are you now?”

Amanda shook her head and whispered, “I can’t tell you.”

“Are you really my smarter sister?”

“Not anymore.” She froze at the sight of a security officer approaching, then jerked around to face the payphone.

“Amanda, are you there?”

“Ssh,” she whispered. Breathe normal. She peered over her shoulder as the looming figure strolled past. “Thank the Lord.” Her voice cracked. [I think it’s great that she’s shushing her, even though no one would hear Lacey. Shows how nervous Amanda is.]

“Okay, you’re scaring me,” Lacey said. “I don’t care what he said, start at the beginning and tell me everything.”

Amanda inhaled a long breath and [You have her taking a deep breath below.] locked eyes with her daughter across the tiny concourse. April giggled and waved, her golden curls bouncing up and down. Amanda smiled back. “I should probably start with Michael’s first day in court.”

“When was that?”

“A week ago.”

“Fine, start there. Don’t leave anything out. If—”

Blare from the loud speaker drowned out the last of her sister’s tirade. “Flight twenty-two now boarding at gate B-13.”

“Amma, are you at the airport?” Lacey’s voice leveled.

Tears formed in Amanda’s eyes at the sound of her childhood name. As a toddler, her baby sister could say everyone’s name except hers. Lacey could even say Duke, their dog’s name. It took a week to teach her to say Amma. It stuck for years and only returned when Lacey started to lose it.

“Yes.” Amanda took deep breath. “I need you to tell mom and dad I’m on a comp tour in Europe.”

“Where will you really be?”

Hang up; just hang up on her. That may have been the safest thing to do, but she couldn’t do it. She needed her only sister’s help. “Santa Barbara.”

Great prologue. Lots of mystery to make the reader want more. Just needs minor tweaking.

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