by Timothy Fish
(If you're just tuning in, be sure to read part one and part two of this chapter.)
Chapter One…continued
“God may not be ready to send the next great world revival,” I said. Something inside of me told me that I should temper his enthusiasm a little. Whether it was from God or from Satan, I do not know. [Using every little connecting word is another thing that adds to your formal tone. “Something inside told me…” is more casual. Also, instead of “all of the rest” cutting it to “the rest” sounds more casual, plus tightens your writing.]
“I would be happy if it was just in this area,” he said. There was no stopping his enthusiasm.
“Some of the men in the Bible had a problem with pride,” I reminded him. “Don’t you think that you need to watch that?” [This would be more fitting after Neal’s statement “I want to be the one who does that one thing everyone looks back at…” Because that sounds a lot like pride.]
“I figure that if God can use me then he can work it so that I don’t have a problem with pride,” he said.
“What are you willing to do?” I asked.
“Whatever it takes,” was his answer. I assumed he was answering with a cliché.
“Then maybe you need to be asking God to use you like that.”
“I already have been,” he said. “You are the great youth minister,” he began.
Here it comes, I thought. I knew he would find some way to let me know what a bad youth minister I am.
“What is it that I can do that will make a big difference?” he finished his question.
“I wish there was something I could tell you, but I don’t know. Wait for God to show you what to do.”
“There must be something that you can tell me,” he said. “I’m tired of waiting and doing nothing. What can I try while I wait? What would it take to win a community for the Lord?”
“Let me tell you a story,” I said. His question reminded me of something. “I don’t remember where I heard this, but it was told like it was the truth. There was a small town church that called a preacher as pastor. He was all excited and wanted to go to all the houses in the area to let people know who he was and to invite them to church. The members of the church did not see much need in it, but if that was what he wanted to do then it was fine with them. They only gave him a warning about one of the houses that was near the church. They told him that a man lived there who did not like preachers. I will call him Bubba. Bubba owned the local service station, so he was well known. He did not mind his wife going to church, but he was not interested. If a preacher came around, Bubba was willing talk to him all day as long as the preacher did not start talking about the Bible. If that happened then he would chase them off with a shotgun.
“Over a period of time, the new preacher made his rounds. He went from one house to the next, but he would always avoid that one house. Weeks went by and he saw no results. He kept visiting. He kept inviting people to church. He kept sharing the gospel, but still no one showed up at church, no one accepted Christ. It was very discouraging.
“One day, the preacher was walking through town trying to visit all of the houses where he had found no one at home on previous attempts. He happened to walk past Bubba’s house and Bubba was outside working. The preacher cringed. He had been avoiding this house, but he could not walk by it with Bubba standing outside watching him. So the preacher walked up to the man and just as he had at all the other houses, he introduced himself. He did not bother to ask Bubba about the condition of his soul. He knew the man was lost. Instead, he told Bubba that he was going around to all the houses telling people that if they did not accept Christ then there was no hope for them. As he had many times before, Bubba told the preacher to either stay away from talking about the Bible or leave. The preacher moved on to the next house.
“The next Sunday, Bubba’s wife showed up at church, just like she always did. Walking in the door after her was Bubba. He was wearing the only suit he had. He had the brightest smile anyone had ever seen on his face. ‘Preacher, I got saved!’ he said when he saw the preacher.
“After that, there were many other people who started going to church and many people who got saved. It was because of the change they had seen in Bubba.”
Neal did not say anything for a moment, and then he asked, “Are you telling me that I should go find the meanest person in town and get him saved?”
“That would not be a bad thing to do, but {I am just telling you a story. If you get something out of it, then that is great!} No two situations are the same. God may use someone like Bubba to convince people they need salvation or he may choose to use something else. I guess all that I am telling you is to be open to possibilities and not to let other people tell you that something won’t work when God is telling you to do it.”
[This pastor is obviously unsure of himself. That’s a great characteristic you can work with. But I’m not sure he should say the part in brackets above. Reading the subtext, I hear, “Hey, I’m just talking because I don’t know what else to say. If you learn something from my babbling, super!”
Maybe that’s just me. Plus, I think the point of that story got lost. Bubba gave no indication that it was the pastor who led him to salvation. I was waiting to hear who finally got through to Bubba.]
Neal left my office and I turned my attention back to my sermon outline. I thought he would be on his way home when he stuck his head back into my office.
“Did you want me to teach on Sunday?” he asked.
“Sure, I’ll let you teach,” I said.
“Great! I had this really good idea.”
I did not find out what that idea was until Sunday.
I arrived at church on Sunday at my usual time with Tiffany and our two kids.
“Brother James wants to see you,” someone said as I came through the door.
The tone of voice told me that I was already in hot water with our senior pastor and that was why he wanted to see me. I could not imagine what I had done that early in the day. Whatever it was it had gotten me into hot water even before I had made it to my office.
I found him in his office. He asked me to close the door, so I figured I was in big trouble. It was the appropriate thing to do, but closed-door sessions in the pastor’s office have always made me nervous.
“Have a seat,” he said.
“I have a class in a few minutes,” I said. I wanted to feel the water a little. I did not tell him that Neal would be teaching anyway. If he said that he would not keep me long then I knew I would survive. If he said he had already told someone else to take the class then I would start drafting my resignation in my head.
“I won’t keep you very long,” [I don’t like when characters echo exactly what someone thought they might say. Have him phrase it differently than
“I know you want to help the youth and all that,” he said, “but there are some things that need to go through the proper channels. I had some people come to me because they are concerned about you using money for the youth department to buy tables and chairs, a refrigerator and a microwave. They said you were going to put these things in one of the classrooms.”
“I don’t know where they got that idea,” I said. I was shocked. “I have no plans to buy any of that stuff. The church already has the things we need in that way.”
“They said you already have the microwave.”
“I don’t know what they could be talking about.”
“Well, for some reason, a few people have it in their heads that you are planning something like that. If you are, we need to be careful about bringing the whole church on board with the idea.”
“They should come to me and ask if they have questions about what I am doing.”
“Yes, they should, but they didn’t do that.” [typical]
The situation had shaken me, but I finally made it to the classroom. When I walked in, there in front of me was a microwave. It was on a table at the front of the room.
“Bother
“A lot of hot water,” I said. This had to be what had started the rumors. [Rumors and conclusion-jumping? In church? Noooo. :o)]
“How did you guess?” he asked.
“I didn’t,” I told him. “I meant that I’ve already had a lecture about it this morning.”
“Why should you get lectured? I asked Mom before I brought it up here. It is our microwave. If my parents don’t mind if I use it then why should anyone else care?”
“It was just a misunderstanding,” I said. “I take it that you have some kind of object lesson for us?”
Neal’s only purpose for having the microwave in the classroom was to heat water. At one point during the lesson, Neal heated some water. [Tighten to “…was to heat water, which he did at one point during the lesson.”] He put the cup of water on the table and then held up a grain of sand that was so small that I could not see it between his fingers. He held the sand above the cup and let it fall. The water erupted into violent bubbles. He tied the object lesson closely to the discussion we had had earlier in the week. He shared, with the class, his desire to be like that grain of sand and to make something much bigger happen.
I still had no idea how he might pull something like that off, but the more I heard him talk about it, the more I began to realize how determined he was to do it. It seemed that he would do anything short of stepping into the pages of the Bible and if it were possible, I would not have put that past him.
My final thoughts: I can see the potential for a story here, a good premise. The nervous, no-self-confidence associate pastor who I’m sure is going to learn some valuable lessons from a teenager who has it all together, spiritually, and is on fire for the Lord. Just be sure that the pastor isn’t so self-doubting that it’s hard to like him and root for him.
This third scene includes some conflict. The pastor’s goal was to get to his Sunday School class, which he wouldn’t have to teach, so he can just sit back and relax. Then he’s diverted from his goal and called into the senior pastor’s office. That’s what makes for conflict—when something gets in the way of what the main character wants, or when two characters in the same scene have opposing goals. Plus we see the indirect conflict with the congregation.
The first two scenes have none of that. So they read like everyday incidents of little significance. And there really are three separate scenes altogether, but you haven’t included any scene breaks. You’ll need those or you’ll tire the reader.
When you relax your language, I’m sure more personality will come through in your words. Then you just have to paint a picture of your character’s emotions and make goals, conflicts and problems more apparent.
And just a reminder, since I don't normally post on Saturday, to come back tomorrow for Miralee Ferrell's interview. I was hoping to receive my copy of The Other Daughter in time to post a review on my date of the tour, but it hasn't arrived yet. Maybe it will come in today's mail and I'll pull an all-nighter. In any case, as soon as I can, I'll be posting a review.
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