How to Become a Bible Character

By Timothy Fish (timothyfish.net)

(Reminder: blue = my comments and additions; red = parts that could be deleted)

Chapter One

As we walked into the large room, the heavenly scent of garlic, pizza and the body odor of a young man, who had not yet learned the finer points of cleanliness, greeted us.

“And you were worried about the pizza,” Tiffany said. “If it tastes half as good as it smells then it will be great.” [I’m stuck on the body odor, and she thinks everything smells great? :o)]

“I wasn’t sure what we would end up with,” I said. [His statement was already made obvious by what Tiffany said.]

One hundred twelve eager eyes watched us as we came through the door. Most were those of members of the youth group. I imagined what was going through their heads. Are these people all right or are they a couple of idiots? I recognized some of the faces already, but I knew few of the names.

[Start with some sort of introduction to your main character. The details of who he is and why he’s there can be revealed slowly, so you don’t start with an information dump. But you should at least start with an emotion. Is he nervous? Does he really want to be there? Give us some of his thoughts right off the bat so we can sympathize with the guy.]

“Let’s have prayer and then we will eat,” I said to the group before I asked the blessing on the food. I had not prepared a speech and I could tell that they did not want to hear one. They rushed to the pizza as soon as I said, “amen.”

[This paragraph is almost a “reaction before the action” type of setup. He says he’s just going to pray, then they can eat, so they already know he won’t make a speech by the time your character says he could tell they didn’t want a speech. You’re also losing an opportunity for a little emotion. Try something like this:

I cleared my throat and the room fell into an expectant hush. The parents eyed me with interest, the teens, a hint of dread. I cleared my throat a second time and resisted the urge to tug at my collar. I hadn’t prepared a speech. Should I have prepared a speech? “Let’s have prayer and then we’ll eat.” The teens’ expressions cleared, and as soon as I said “amen” they rushed to the pizza.]

After most of the kids had gotten their pizza, I went and got a slice.

“So, what do you think?” Ellen Dawson asked me.

“It is very good,” I said. “I think it is the best pizza I have ever tasted.” [Real people use contractions. If you’ve been taught it’s not proper to use contractions in writing, you were taught wrong. If you don’t use them, what you end up with is very formal, stuffy characters your readers will have a hard time warming up to.]

“Thank you,” she said, “But pizza is easy. I you ever need food for anything, be sure to let me know.”

[The beginning is rushed. He steps into a room, whispers to his wife, and says “Let’s pray.” It needs a bit more, including a couple of character introductions. It’s not clear who Tiffany is, and who is Ellen Dawson? Is this her house? From this exchange, she could be the caterer.

And this is much more than a pizza party. It’s his introduction to the teens and parents he’ll be working with. But if you don’t go deeper into his head, it looks like the pizza is the most important thing in the scene.]

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.

“Have you met everyone yet?” someone asked. I turned around to see one of the older teenagers standing there.

“No,” I said. “I think you introduced yourself before, but I don’t remember your name.”

[You know enough to avoid dialog tags like, “she moaned” “he grunted” or “she laughed.” Said is usually invisible, so it’s the best choice when a tag is needed. But a tag isn’t needed when you have an action beat. A page full of “said” after every bit of dialog is no longer invisible.

The above could be reformatted to lose one said:

“Have you met everyone yet?” someone asked.

I turned around to see one of the older teenagers standing there. “No. I think you…”]

“I’m Neal Watts,” he said. “Let me tell you who everyone is.”

He took a couple of steps toward one of the tables and put his hand on the shoulder of a boy who was getting another slice of pizza.

“This is Kyle,” he said. “He is a freshman. That is his brother, Kevin, over there. Cy and Debra Brown are their parents. [This is a spot where we need less introduction. It’s doing nothing but overwhelming your reader with names. Start with the Kelly introduction that follows, and keep the rest as you have it, a summary of the intros.] Next to Kevin is Kelly. She is going to be an actor.”

“Only in my dreams,” she said when she heard him say that. [Unnecessary. She wouldn’t have responded that way if she hadn’t heard him. And here’s where you could avoid another “said”: Kelly flushed pink and rolled her eyes. “Only in my dreams.”]

“Her mother doesn’t like the idea, but I know she will be in Hollywood some day.” His comment brought a smile to Kelly’s face.

Neal went all the way around the room, telling me each name and something about each kid. He seemed to know how to say just the right thing to make them smile. Just as Kelly had smiled when he mentioned her dream to be an actor, many of the other kids smiled when Neal mentioned other things about them. [That part seems repetitive.]

Every group has a leader. In the youth group at First Baptist, that leader was Neal Watts. I do not think he sought to be the group leader, but he came to it naturally. He was the epitome of the popular kid. He was good looking, the quarterback of the football team and he had good grades. People might have liked him for those reasons, but what really made him popular was that he treated everyone with dignity and respect. The other kids liked him because they felt as if he liked them. I am certain that he liked them very much. He enjoyed being around them and he cared for their well-being. He even told me about some of his concerns for them.

[He knows an awful lot about Neal all of a sudden. This type of info requires a different beginning. One where it’s clear the narrator, your protagonist, is telling this story long after it’s happened. “I first met Neal Watts the night of the pizza party.” Then when you get to a paragraph like that above, you have the option of saying, “Later I would learn that Neal was *detail, detail, detail* But even on that first night I could tell he was a natural leader.” Some readers find this sort of narrator intrusion distracting, but if done with lightness and personality, you can get away with it.

The only other option is not to jump ahead of the scene. Only reveal what he learns that night. You’ve done a good job of showing Neal’s charm. It’s obvious the other kids like him. You can leave it at that.

And the way that paragraph ends concerns me and seems out of character. Is Neal standing there—in ear shot of the entire youth group—telling this guy what concerns him about his friends? That’s rude. And a good way to quickly burn out a new youth minister. He gets all their baggage handed to him up front? :o) I’m sure that’s not what you meant to imply.]

“The one in particular that I am really concerned about…,” I heard Neal say as he reached the end of telling me all about the youth group. His [Neal’s] tone made me pay special attention. If I forgot all of the rest, I needed to remember this one person.

“I have a friend that lives across the street from me,” Neal said. “I know he isn’t saved and I have shared the gospel with him several times. He just doesn’t want anything to do with it.”

“What is his name?” I asked.

“Ben Hartline,” he said.

“Hey, Sara, Neal is talking about your boyfriend again!” one of the teenagers yelled across the room. This particular teenager had been standing near us and had heard part of the conversation. I had been about to tell Neal that I would be praying for Ben.

“Shut your mouth, Shawn!” a girl sitting at the same table as my wife yelled back across the room. “Do you want me to shut it for you?”

“Sara!” Ellen Dawson said to get the girl’s attention and gave her a look that only a mother would give a child.

“I’m sorry, Shawn,” the girl said in response to her mother’s look. “Will you forgive me?” She asked. I doubted the sincerity of her words.

“Sara Dawson?” I asked Neal to confirm what I guessed to be true.

“Yes,” he said.

“Hey, that is a family that I can remember,” I said. “Sara is Ellen’s daughter and Mark is Ellen’s husband and they named their baby Mark also.”

“There you go,” Neal said. “You know, she really could make Shawn shut up, if she wanted to. She got into a fight with Ben, a couple of years ago, when she was in the sixth grade. He is still afraid of her and he is a big guy. You should ask her or Kyle about it sometime.”

“Kyle?” I asked.

“Kyle Brown,” Neal said and pointed to another teenager.

[Things dissolve into small talk after the boyfriend comment. If none of that is important for the reader to know, consider letting it go. The scene needs to focus more on your main character’s emotions and thoughts. It needs a better balance. The scale is very heavy on the side of dialog right now, versus narration.]

“It is going to take me a while to learn everyone’s name,” I said.

“If you need my help, just ask,” Neal said as some of his friends pulled him away to talk. He did not finish telling me about Ben that night.

***

I’m ending it here for today. I have so many comments inserted, I’m breaking this one into three parts. See you Wednesday.